Jokes

It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it !

Yes !  We've been out and trawled the net to bring you these latest offerings.


Latin Lovelife

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

'But how will I let you know the baby is born?' she asked. 'Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.' He replied.

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, 'Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.'

The doctor said, 'Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to A & E. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'


So What's Your Degree In ?

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"


Out of the Mouths of Babes ...

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. 

The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm going to have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


A Moral Dilemma

Pretend that you're a photographer who has gone out to the American Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood.

Now as you're wandering around looking for a good shot, you see George W. Bush in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so he won't get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes.

Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue him or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

The question is :

Which lens would you use?


Do It Yourself ??

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light ? Now ? Does it look like I have an Eastern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then could you fix the fridge door ? It won't close properly."

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

To which she replied: "HELLO !!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"


A Career Change

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the silencer..."

 

Copyright Technosoft Systems Ltd 2000 - 2009